This week has been chaotic emotions-wise for me. With the super pink moon and my bleed falling at the same time, energies were running high. It started on Monday, the night before the full moon. I couldn’t sleep well at all, then on Tuesday the same thing again. I woke up at 3am exactly in time to see the beautiful full moon and decided to do a forgiveness ritual (I wrote about this here). For the rest of the week I struggled with insomnia and a general feeling of anxiety and unsettledness. My emotions were all over the place and my inner critic was running wild.
The current crisis is bringing up so many deep fears and low frequency energies collectively. I think I am handling it pretty well, I am trusting that the measures we are taking are good enough but I am not getting overly anxious about the virus. We are sticking to one shopping trip a week, only going out for walks around our local area and washing our hands whenever we go out. However, being in lockdown means we all have a lot of time on our hands for emotions that were already there under the surface to rise up. Without work and socialising as a distraction, our existing fears and anxieties seem to be magnified on the blank canvas of quarantine life. I know I am having to face some unhelpful thought patterns and deep buried emotions.
Last week I was feeling very happy when I realised that my bleed would fall on the Easter bank holiday week end as I could take a true menstrual retreat with 4 days off work. I have to say this part was great. No emails to answer and no social commitments to stick to.. the bliss of nothingness. Easier said than done though for someone with a very masculine drive to get things done. I am normally a bit of a clean freak and if I see mess in the house I can’t help myself tidying up but I committed to taking time off doing all housework. My boyfriend stepped in to do the cooking and the dishes but all laundry, hoovering and tidying went on hold for a few days.
For the day before and the 3 days of my bleed I took a lot of time out to rest and recharge. I have been feeling exhausted physically with aching muscles and joints and an overwhelming psychological fatigue. So I stopped all exercise except walking and yoga and I built myself a little cave in the spare room with soft blankets and pillows so I had a space to retreat to. I was also feeling very suffocated and really wanted to be on my own. Conversation was difficult and I didn’t even want physical contact most of the time. I felt moody and irritable whenever I had to try to communicate. If I could have gone and lived in a real cave for a few days away from everyone I would have! All I wanted was my cosy space, my books, my journal, my yoga mat and my mandala colouring book and pens. Oh and my cat Teddy, look at those paaaaawwwsss 🙂
I really wanted to do a tech detox too but this time I couldn’t resist keeping my phone and laptop on. I just tried to spend less time online, especially on social media and mainly used them for listening to music and podcasts and for yoga videos. I did get sucked into the social media vortex a few times though and I think this didn’t help with my emotional state. In my inner winter I can be pretty fragile and sensitive to what I am feeding my brain. My old eating disorder thought patterns around body criticism and food restriction can easily flare up, especially if I give myself the opportunity to compare myself to others online. But I did a lot of purging of these emotions, sitting with them and allowing the anger and frustration to come up.
I must have written 50 pages in my journal in the last week! Mostly just random ramblings about how I’m feeling about myself, the current situation and life in general. I have been re-reading some of Marianne Williamson’s work and following her writing prompts as a way to dig deeper into my belief systems and do the inner work. My emotional patterning is becoming pretty clear to me and I know I need to rewrite some stories. You know you have heard a truth when every cell of your body is up in arms when you hear it. Whats clear to me is that I need to chill out a little and stop taking life so seriously. It’s ok to take some time out and have fun.. I don’t need to be on a constant mission of achievement and proving myself.
With the full moon in Libra it was also the time to reflect on relationships past and present. I’ve been thinking a lot about certain people in my life and ones that are no longer in my life. This year has been a strange one for me. I have moved away from my home town to a new city where I don’t know many people. I’ve lost touch with quite a few old friends as I’m not very good at keeping in contact with people from a distance. I’m a natural introvert and INFJ personality type which means it can be difficult for me to come out of my shell unless I feel truly safe and I crave truly authentic and deep friendships. From 16 personalities:
“People with the Advocate personality type are unlikely to go for friendships of circumstance. They avoid situations like workplace social circles or chatting up their local baristas, where the only thing they really have in common is regular contact. People with this personality type seek out others who share their passions, interests, and beliefs. They create friendships with people with whom they can explore philosophies and subjects that they believe are truly meaningful.”
I totally resonate with this and at the moment I am struggling to find my tribe. I know it will happen eventually but right now I am feeling lonely and a lack of connection. I was just starting to get into a groove with socialising before the lockdown and now I can’t wait to be able to get out again and join some groups or go to local events and meet new people. For now I have joined some online groups and I am really excited to find sisterhood again. I have some old wounds when it comes to female friendships and this cycle I have really been asking for forgiveness for regrets in my past and focusing on forgiving others who have hurt me. This has been pretty painful and I have had a lot of sadness, anger and frustration come up to be released.
But now I am on day 4 of my cycle now and I can see the glimmer of spring approaching. I am feeling somewhat refreshed and motivated for the weeks ahead and ready to take on some creative projects. My sleep is slowly starting to improve and my energy levels are rising. I love how our cycle gives us that natural break from the treadmill of life (if we choose to answer the call that is). Cycle syncing is a practice and each month we have to opportunity to surrender again and receive the benefits. Now for the fresh challenges of the follicular phase.. how to continue to move slowly and continue to allow the energy to rise without shattering this sense of inner peace. More on that in another post 🙂